Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
