i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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