get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
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