then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
