I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
