you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
