shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
