I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Randomize
