Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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