Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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