and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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