Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
