ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Randomize
