I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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