I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
