It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
You are a genius and a whore.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
