my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
how drunk are you?
Several
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
