Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
