I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
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