Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
