If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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