don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
