im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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