Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
