I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
