That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
i think my cat just said my name.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
