I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
