Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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