The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
