bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
pray to the hookup gods
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
