Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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