okay pat passed out under dana's car
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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