I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
