i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
