Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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