i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
