I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
