My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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