We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
