How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
