you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
