Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
