If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Randomize
