First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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