Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
