i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
