And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Randomize
