Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
