She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
