My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
