I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Randomize
