I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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