Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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