btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
