I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
