Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
